Nurturing the Eternal Partnership of Marriage

Gordon B. Hinckley said, “Marriage, in its truest sense, is a partnership of equals.” Watching their interaction, it was evident that President Hinckley loved and respected Sister Hinckley as his equal. At the beginning of Chapter 10, Nurturing the Eternal Partnership of Marriage, Marjorie Hinckley, recalling the early part of her marriage, said, “Those early days were not all blissful, but they were filled with determination and a great desire to establish a happy home. We loved each other, there was no doubt about that. But we also had to get used to each other. I think every couple has to get used to each other. Early on I realized it would be better if we worked harder at getting accustomed to one another than constantly trying to change each other—which I discovered was impossible. … There must be a little give and take, and a great deal of flexibility, to make a happy home.”

That is such great advice! Imagine how much happier our marriages and families would be if we would live that way instead of the way the world teaches. Recently David A. Bednar spoke at a forum on marriage. He said, “Too often men and women pursue relationships and marriage focused on their own needs and desires rather than on building stable marital and family relationships. The compulsion to vindicate their freedom, rights, and autonomy overshadows a proper understanding of the enduring commitments, covenants, duties, and sacrifices necessary to build successful marriages and families and to bring lasting joy. There is no long-term joy to be found in selfishness; nor can it be found in exercising one’s individual rights to their fullest extent in order to somehow find ‘freedom.’ Freedom in marriage does not come from doing whatever one wants whenever one wants. Such a course only leads to wanting more and demanding more. Conversely, peace and joy come from subjecting one’s self in love to the needs of spouse and family, tempering one’s individual needs and desires, and focusing instead on the needs and desires of others. An increasingly cynical and self-absorbed world sees this principle of selflessness as ‘old school’ and paradoxical. But we know that it is paradisiacal.”1

As members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, we believe that marriages and families are meant to be eternal. For that reason, we should treat our marriages differently. Because of their eternal nature, we are reminded often that our marriages deserve our best time and our focused attention. Here is some counsel we have been given.

“Marriage brings greater possibilities for happiness than does any other human relationship. Yet some married couples fall short of their full potential. They let their romance become rusty, take each other for granted, allow other interests or clouds of neglect to obscure the vision of what their marriage really could be. Marriages would be happier if nurtured more carefully. Marriage is sanctified when it is cherished and honored in holiness.” Russell M. Nelson2

“Strong marriage and family relationships … require constant, intentional work. The doctrine of eternal families must inspire us to dedicate our best efforts to saving and enriching our marriages. … In God’s plan of happiness, we are not so much looking for someone perfect but for a person with whom, throughout a lifetime, we can join efforts to create a loving, lasting and more perfect relationship. That is the goal. Those who save their marriages understand that this pursuit takes time, patience, and, above all, the blessings of the Atonement of Jesus Christ. It requires you to be kind, envy not,seek not your own, not be easily provoked, think no evil, and rejoice in the truth. In other words, it requires charity, the pure love of Christ. All this won’t just happen in an instant. Great marriages are built brick by brick, day after day, over a lifetime.” Dieter F. Uchtdorf3

“Our concern is … that many married couples don’t take their marriages seriously enough—to work at them, protect them, nurture them, cultivate them day in and day out, week in and week out, yearlong, quarter-century long, half-a-century long, forever. … Marriage should be beautiful and fulfilling, with joy beyond our fondest dreams.” David B. Haight4

“If you want something to last forever, you treat it differently. You shield it and protect it. You never abuse it. You don’t expose it to the elements. You don’t make it common or ordinary. If it ever becomes tarnished, you lovingly polish it until it gleams like new. It becomes special because you have made it so, and it grows more beautiful and precious as time goes by. Eternal marriage is just like that.” F. Burton Howard5

“In the enriching of marriage the big things are the little things. It is a constant appreciation for each other and a thoughtful demonstration of gratitude. It is the encouraging and the helping of each other to grow. Marriage is a joint quest for the good, the beautiful, and the divine.” James E. Faust6

President Hinckley counsels, “Nurture and cultivate your marriage. Guard it and work to keep it solid and beautiful. Marriage is a contract between a man and a woman under the plan of the Almighty. It can be fragile. It requires nurture and very much effort.” For some reason, we seem to resist the truth that marriages take work. I especially like the reminder that they take “very much effort.” Nothing of value comes without a price. We learn that scripturally in the law of the harvest. And nurturing and cultivating sound a lot like sowing! “For whatsoever ye sow, that shall ye also reap; therefore, if ye sow good ye shall also reap good for your reward.”7 And, as President Uchtdorf reminds us, “What we sow, we reap. That is the law of heaven.”8

I found an excellent Ensign article written by a marriage and family therapist that discusses this very topic which said, “This ‘law of the harvest’ ties behavior and its consequences together in an unbreakable relationship that has direct impact on every aspect of our lives—and especially on our marriages. Like the flowers, fruits, and vegetables we grow in our gardens, our marriages reflect the nature of the seeds we have planted. If we have tried throughout our married life to plant seeds of love and harmony, then we are more likely to enjoy a rich harvest. Of course, the opposite can also be true. At any given moment, we are the sum of all our sowings.”9

Since we “are the sum of all our sowings,” my hope is that we can more consciously work on the things President Hinckley encourages us to "sow":

• Ask for and give forgiveness • Show kindness and concern • Look for and recognize the divine nature in one another • Exercise discipline of self and refrain from trying to discipline our companion • Have patience • Show mutual respect • Be anxiously concerned for the comfort and well-being of your companion • Be absolutely true and faithful

What we sow will have lasting, even eternal, consequences. President Uchtdorf teaches, “Those who save marriages pull out the weeds and water the flowers. They celebrate the small acts of grace that spark tender feelings of charity. Those who save marriages save future generations. … Work each day to make your marriage stronger and happier.”3